I can’t think clearly to craft out a post, so here are some of my thoughts I just want to jot down.
1. I don’t know if I am really nice or I just don’t want to bother with conflict. I don’t usually care if I am on the short end because I figure life is too short to be picky about everything. Well, some things do bother me for a few days, but I purposely put it out of my mind. Am I truly nice, or I don’t like to confront and deal with conflict, or it’s a defense mechanism of survival?
2. Whenever I complain about something in someone else, inevitably something happens where I display those same qualities that I accused in someone else. So I am very careful of being critical of others. I am pretty sure I’m not perfect either. Actually, I am very sure.
3. I feel I am losing my creativity and I am thinking slower too. A good response comes to me a couple of hours after the situation – “Oh, I could’ve done this or that.” Looking back at some of the crafts I did and ideas I had, I amaze myself. I was pretty good! What happened? Is it a matter of practice? Is it that my life now does not require me to be on my toes? Have I gotten lazy in the head? I think so. I don’t want to take on difficult challenges. A friend my age went back to get her PhD. I had a fleeting thought of doing that. Or maybe another masters. But right now, I just want to snuggle and read a book.
4. I had a nightmare where I woke up and found a lot of white hair on my head. In the dream, I said, “Wow, I didn’t know I had so much white hair. How did I miss that?” I was glad it was only a dream. But I know the day will come when it won’t be. I counted about 5 white hairs today.